Relationships with students

A great salesperson once said, "You can't make people angry and sell them something at the same time."

• One of the rules of the psychology of self-concept states, "Human beings will perform for the person they love." If a person loves himself, he will do it for himself. If he does not have that high self-esteem or belief in self, he will have to do it for someone else until the time comes that he does love himself.

Very good instructional programs will fail in schools where adequate student-staff engagement cannot take place. – James Comer

Self-concept

• A positive self-concept comes from feeling capable. We cannot instill a positive self-concept in children by simply telling them, "Good job." It has to come from within them. Children need to solve problems themselves in order to feel capable.
• Our self-concept is fragile and easily broken.
• Self-concept seeks to protect itself and, when attacked, goes into "fight or flight" mode. When a child's self-concept is harmed, either overtly or through something as simple as a put-down tone of voice, they fight back or quit interacting with the person who harmed them. To protect their self-concepts from the implication that their actions are wrong, or even worse that they themselves are wrong, students will seek to maintain their view of themselves and often will go so far as to reject clear evidence to the contrary. Because of this factor, we need to interact in particular ways with students who have shaky self-concepts.
• How?

1) Value them unconditionally. Do they, as human beings, have value? Yes. Express that. Find the value in them and develop the relationship that shows them that they are valuable people. Unconditionally accept the worthy person, even while rejecting the questionable behavior.

2) Shine light on their stengths. Students who have low self-concepts often have their weaknesses highlighted, repeatedly, year after year. We must help them find their strengths (that doesn't mean ignoring the things they can improve on) and provide opportunities for the students to demontrate what they're good at.

3) Help students own their own behaviors and find their own solutions. Imagine the sense of accomplishment and capability when they solve their own problems instead of the adult telling them what is best. Sometimes that problem solving experience might be painful for a child, because he or she must first accept ownership of their part, and yet imagine the sense of self-worth that would bear fruit when they realize that they are capable of solving and adjusting their actions, instead of the solution being handed down to them, without their input (or ownership). We tend to rescue kids from consequences far too frequently. Learning from consequences is a struggle that can cause pain, and surviving the struggle is a great self-concept builder. We learn that we are capable.

Choice Theory

• I cannot nor should not try to control the actions of others. I can only control my own actions and thinking. My actions and thinking should reflect this belief.
• I commit to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem my students.
• Success in any endeavor is directly proportional to how well the people who are involved get along with each other. When a student does something inappropriate, conditional methods are likely to perceive this as an infraction, and infractions naturally seem to call for consequences.
• Unconditional teachers are apt to see the same act as a problem to be solved, an opportunity for teaching rather than for making the child suffer. Moreover, to see children's behavior as a teachable moment invites us to include them in the process of solving problems, which is more likely to be effective.
• Are my relationships with my students important to me?

Relationship-building experiment.

• If you are having trouble connecting with a student, try the following: Go to the student six times over three school weeks and use a "one-sentence intervention". The one-sentence intervention was developed and researched to provide specific help to teachers who are dedicated to building better relationships with children. This intervention is based on research that shows that student's improved behavior or cooperation can be traced or linked to the personal connection he/she developed with an adult. The sentence should start with the work, "I noticed..." Then, you fill in the blank with something personal about the student - something positive and true. It's important that the statement does not focus on school activities. It's strictly about the student's personal life. Don't praise or judge. An example is, "I've noticed you like skateboarding." If the student wants to visit the subject with interest, do so. If there is no reaction, and you sitll feel compelled to say something, you could add, "Well, I noticed that." The next intervention might be, "I noticed that you really stand up for yourself." Don't use the phrase, "I like." Kids who have low self-esteem often feel manipulated when the teacher (with whom they don't have a relationship) says, "I like." Spread these interventions over three weeks. After the three weeks, check to determine if the student is more cooperative than before you started asking by going to the student at an appropriate time and asking, "Will you try that just for me?" Or, "Will you stop doing that just for me?"

Imagine that your students are invited to respond to a questionnaire several years after leaving the school. They’re asked to indicate whether they agree or disagree – and how strongly – with statements such as: “Even when I wasn’t proud of how I acted, even when I didn’t do the homework, even when I got low test scores or didn’t seem interested in what was being taught, I knew that insert your name here still cared about me.” - Kohn, Alfie. "Unconditional Teaching", Educational Leadership, Sept. 2005.

How would you like your students to answer that sort of question? How do you think they will answer it?

The Value of Conflict in the Classroom

The constructivist classroom is one in which the process matters at least as much as the product. The wrestling with dilemmas, the clash of ides, the need to take others’ needs into account – these are ultimately more meaningful than any list of rules or guidelines that may ultimately result. Many teachers seem satisfied with easy or predictable answers. Their questions do not often probe or challenge; their comments are often routine and formulaic. If teachers and students were really exploring ideas wholeheartedly, there would be more conflict, more frustration.

• Kohn, Alfie.__Beyond Discipline: From Compliance to Community__, ASCD, Alexandria, VA, 1996, 2006.